all signal flares blazing.

Last night, Jeffrey's father passed away. He was 43. His father's girlfriend is pregnant with twins, and is now without anyone to help her out financially. His father's brother is paying for the wake and cremation, but it's going to cost $4000 that no one has. If there is any way you can help by donating 10 cents or 10 dollars, Jeff and his family would appreciate it more that you know.

i'm not sure what to do with myself anymore. i need to go to more shows, i miss hardcore. i miss my family, as usual. all i've been doing is listening to dead to fall, this day forward and fucking number one fan (WHY?).

i'm not taking the pill anymore. i'll see if that helps my eating.
my job caught on fire today. literally. i used a fire extinguisher.
i realized it's been 4 and a half years since me, misha and mike went to hershey park. sometimes that feels like a long time, and sometimes i feel like the same little girl.
i have felt like crying for the last 2 days and i don't know why.

because there is construction on our street, i had to park on the next street down. so i scaled a chain-link fence to get into our backyard, fell on my ass, ripped my pants and landed in poo. now i have to go get my laundry.

fucking christ.

i feel like shit and i want jeff to come rub my back. i know this will get easier once i get used to it, but i don't really want to get used to being without him.

hmmm, much to say.

i worked 44.25 hours this week, which is sick. both because that's a ton of work and because it will only make me $250 even with time and a half for overtime. i also got a 25 cent raise. now we're talkin.

jeff left friday and then came back yesterday. i was so happy to see him. we watched a movie last night and then i worked all day today and we had a really good dinner. now we're just laying around. his room is finally completely bare and it's very odd. but marissa comes on tuesday and i don't work wednesday, so maybe we can have an afterschool adventure or two. you know...stalking. even though we start classes next week, i still have 31 hours. hopefully i'll stop getting so many hours (never thought i'd say that) or i'm gonna burn out fast. they finally have me opening by myself on sundays, which is good and bad.

and pedro is getting bigger. he's pretty much lost his little patch of baby fur, and he eats lettuce like he's about to die.



( BUNNY. )


hm. jeff leaves tomorrow. i love him.

uh, so i guess i'll go to sleep now?

alone?

yeah.

you know, for as much as i hate republicans and conservatives, i also hate stupid people who are blindly liberal. if you don't know why our president needs to be voted out of office, i think you're just as bad.

i don't want him to leave.
i don't want school to start.
i don't want to come home to an empty bed tomorrow night.
i don't want to feel like this.

i definitely have the cutest boyfriend in the world.

it's not about being unable to see him. and i know i'm not that bad off because i can get in my car and just drive if i need to see him. it's the fact that he won't be here when i get home, i won't know where he is all the time, that everything will stop and start with a phone ringing.

i don't want you to leave me.

i'm afraid that you're going to get new friends. and new places. and new inside jokes that i won't know about. i hate making such a big fucking deal out of this.

(but the truth is, you have turned me into one of them. one of those girls who can say "you are my one and only." except i mean it.)

it's official. i am now a 36DD. the lady at victoria's secret told me so.

i should just fucking shoot myself in the chach.

jeffrey finally got his dreamcast, so i doubt he'll come to bed at all.

i was so productive today. i went to collegetown with jeff and then stopped by work to check my schedule. came home and lugged three huge loads of laundry to the laundromat. dropped off garbage. put laundry in the dryer. went to get jeff's oil changed. went food shopping. picked up laundry. came home and started to fold.

then, as i knew i would be, i was called into work because they had some sort of odd emergency. so i worked, then came home and had ramen and finished folding. jeffrey came home and put together my new bedside table. it has the smallest drawer ever.

we let pedro out before we went out this morning, at around 11:30. when i left to run errands i figured it was okay to leave him out, and i wouldn't have had time to catch him. then i had to run off to work and i hadn't seen him. when jeff got home we launched a search for him. we were really worried because we couldn't find him anywhere. turns out the little fucker crawled through my bottom dresser drawer and then couldn't get out. when i pulled out the drawer and saw him he looked so cute. i think he was back there for like 8 hours.

so now imma go cuddle him.

1 MINUTE AGO: sitting in the living room watching 20/20.
1 DAY AGO: umm...making jeffrey dinner. yes, at 11pm.
1 WEEK AGO: watcing tv and waiting for jeff.
1 YEAR AGO: um..i think i had just gotten back from visiting jeff for the 2nd time. we did it.
I HURT: in my feet. i worked two 9-hour days in a row.
I LOVE: jeffrey, my family, my real friends, pedro, medea, my pets from home, and frozen grapes.
I HATE: george w. bush, republicans, speeding tickets, fake people.
I FEAR: jeffrey leaving//losing the people i love the most.
I HOPE: i can manage school, seeing jeff, and working.
I FEEL: excited because real sex is about to be on hbo.
I BREAK: my fingernails.
I LISTEN: to ashlee simpson. so fuck you.
I HIDE: k-y jelly.
I PLAY: with myself.
I MISS: my family.
I LEARNED: to not worry so much.
I KNOW: that we will be okay.
I DREAM: too much.
I NEED: jeff.

Current Music: prayer for cleansing.
Current Taste: frozen grape residue.
Current Hair: down and bothering me.
Current Annoyance: my itchy foot.
Current thing I ought to be doing: going into the living room to watch REAL SEX.



g'bye.

BLAH BLAH BLAH YO BRAH I GOT YOUR BACK FOR LIFE I'D STAB A NIGGA FOR YOU YOU KNOW YOU MY BOY BITCHES GET STITCHES SLUTS GET CUT LIKE BRINGING A KNIFE TO A GUNFIGHT WE'RE GETTING MARRIED AND OUR CHILDREN WILL WEAR NEW BALANCE AND HATEBREED SHIRTS NO MY HAIR IS NATURALLY STICK STRAIGHT I'M SO TOUGH BUT I LIKE TO GET MY NAILS DONE AND I CARRY A KNIFE. IT'S PINK.

HOLY SHIT. WOULD YOU ALL STOP SAYING THE SAME OLD SHIT THAT IS NOT TRUE AND/OR YOU DON'T FUCKING MEAN.

thanks.

THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IT NOT ACT LIKE I FUCKING DISGUST YOU.

i hate the way i look enough for both of us.

AHH I HATE THAT STUPID OBNOXIOUS BITCH.

back off my shit, slut.